3 Tips for Navigating Hot-Button Topics During The Holidays
My hope is that your holiday gatherings are full of festive fun and holiday cheer with loved ones. But given the endless list of hot-button topics that we’re dealing with currently, it seems like the potential for heated discussions at the dinner table is higher than ever. To keep your holidays merry and bright, here are three tips for successfully navigating those challenging conversations.
1. Promote what you support and believe in rather than bashing someone else’s position. Contribute to discussion rather than division. You can support your position without bashing another position. That’s what contributes to divisiveness. If you feel strongly that giraffes make the best house pets and that walruses are terrible house pets, focus your energy on advocating for giraffes as house pets rather than squashing someone else’s dream of having a walrus as a house pet. How do you do that most effectively?
a. Do your research. Educate yourself through credible sources so you are sharing fact-based information not falsehoods.
b. If it’s an opinion that you have and not a fact, state that. Opinions are not necessarily facts. Facts have evidence that support them. Opinions are personal.
c. Don’t insult others who believe that walruses make superior house pets. Stay in your lane. Focus on your position. Instead of wearing a T-shirt that says, “People who want walruses as house pets suck,” wear one that states, “Giraffes are awesome house pets…ask me why.”
2. Control your reaction. Look, they are called hot-button topics for a reason. A hot-button topic is a subject that people have strong feelings about, including yourself. Focus on your own reaction, which is what you can control (vs. someone else’s reaction). Don’t take the bait! Your word is most powerful when stated in a way that is calm, assertive, controlled. Think before you speak. If you feel yourself became emotional and wanting to react inappropriately (name-calling, screaming, physical aggression), use some calming exercises, watch your tone, and know when to walk away.
Calming, or relaxation, exercises can slow heart rate, lower blood pressure, and lessen anger and frustration. Some actionable calming techniques are visualization, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and stretching. Calming exercises are skills and, as with any skill, your ability to self-calm improves with practice. If one skill does not work for you, try another.
3. Set clear boundaries. If you know that Uncle Bob, an aggressive and outspoken giraffe-loather, is going to be at the family celebration bashing giraffes as pets, prepare yourself. While there are situations where using your voice is empowering, helpful, and even necessary, there are other situations where there’s truly no benefit and, instead, it can cause problems and possibly lead to the kind of silent night that nobody wants. Engaging with inflexible Uncle Bob will likely create tension for others and possible ruin the festivities.
When setting boundaries, I recommend the traffic light method. Start with a gentle boundary, a green light boundary, such as changing the subject. When Uncle Bob pounces with, “Are you still being an idiot and pushing that giraffe thing,” pivot the direction of the conversation. “Uncle Bob! How’s stamp collecting going? Any good finds lately?” If Uncle Bob doesn’t take the hint (the green light boundary isn’t effective) and replies, “You and those stupid giraffes,” proceed with a yellow light boundary. “I’m not comfortable talking about this. Let’s change the subject.” If Uncle Bob persists, escalate to a red light boundary. A red light boundary involves a consequence. The consequence is an action YOU will take. “If this conversation continues, I’m going to leave and go for a walk.” You set boundaries to protect yourself. You have no control over how someone else responds to your boundary which is why you need to be prepared to set a consequence.
When it comes to knowing which level of boundary to set, it’s important to “read the room” and adjust accordingly.
Remember, that you can and should be respectful without agreeing. Use short and powerful statements such as, “I disagree,” “I see it differently,” “I don’t want to discuss this,” and “Now is not the time.” Using these strategies, you’ll create moments of connection rather than conflict.
If many family discussions turn into disputes, consider individual or family therapy to develop tools to manage these relationships and communicate more effectively.
Dr. Beverly J. Pedroche